Part 5: Pemberley Pen Pals
Everyone you can imagine is at Pemberley waiting for the birth of Elizabeth's baby.
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Letter from Jane Bingley 
Netherfield Hall, Meryton, Hertfordshire 
November 18, 1813 
 
Dear Lizzy, 
Caroline will be on her way to Pemberley soon. Good luck.
What a time I had with her. If it wasn't Little Lizzy keeping me up at night then it was Caroline and Louisa in a screaming match. One time I had to send Charles in there to settle them down. I thought we might have to borrow a set of leg-irons from Sir William's friend Gerry the Gaoler.
I have to infer from these nocturnal arguments that Louisa has not reverted to her old ways but instead that she's been trying to "convert" her sister. I'm quite sure she was unsuccessful, so you may have to place Caroline in a room that is far away from your own bedchamber or else you won't get a wink of sleep. Perhaps Pemberley has a guest room out by those oak trees.
Let me know how things turn out. And I want to know the instant that Anne Barbara is born!
Have a horseman standing by, ready to bring me the express immediately.
Love, 
Jane 
Letter from Elizabeth Darcy 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 19, 1813 
 
Dear Jane, 
What makes you think I'm going to have a girl? The little brute who is trying to force its way out of me is most definitely a boy.
But on the other hand, mother tells me that I myself was her worst kicker, so maybe I'll have a little version of myself to deal with. Heaven help me.
How is Little Lizzy? Oh Jane, what if she turns out to be a little version of me and my own baby is a sweet-tempered little Jane? That doesn't seem fair somehow but it suits me just fine.
But really, Jane, I'm quite sure that I'm not taking the whole matter of childbirth seriously enough. I still can't get over the fact that we're no longer a pair of silly young girls wearing silly clothes and trying to attract beaux!
Your own childbirth experience made it look so easy. I am so scared of making a mess of things. When my own baby arrives, you just might be able to hear my screams all the way down there in Hertfordshire.
And watching your expert handling of Little Lizzy has made me feel so inadequate. I pray that I'll be the type of mother that you've already become. Will I be up to the job? As always, you continue to be an inspiration to me.
Let me know when my niece starts asking for her namesake "Aunt Lizzy".
Love and Kisses, 
Very Big Lizzy 
Letter from Jane Bingley 
Netherfield Hall, Meryton, Hertfordshire 
November 20, 1813 
 
Dear Lizzy, 
Lizzy dear, regarding my being an inspiration, I'm sure you know how I feel about you. So let's stop being sentimental and just get on with the business of becoming old married women.
Just think. Our role model now is mother.
Tell me about the Fitzwilliam family when they arrive.
Love, 
Jane 
Letter from Kitty Bennet 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 21, 1813 
 
Dear Jane, 
Mary has been referring to Lady Catherine as "Aunt Kitty" for weeks now, and now Lady Catherine is calling me "Aunt Kitty".
I'm only sixteen, and I'm not even married. How can I be a real aunt? Don't you have to be old before people start calling you an "aunt"?
I'm getting lonely now because Anne is always with that John Fitzwilliam who showed up yesterday. You should see how he teases Lizzy's husband! Only Father and Lizzy can put up with him.
But he's very nice to me. He gave me a beautiful necklace for my birthday. You should see it! I don't know where he got it. He only just met me yesterday! Too bad he doesn't have a red coat like his brother.
And if you thought that Mr. Darcy was snooty last year, then you should see his friend Lord Melbury!
Oh, and thank you for the bracelet you sent me. I love it!
Please write to me as soon as Little Lizzy has learned to say "Kitty". (Not "Aunt" Kitty.)
Love, 
Kitty 
Letter from Elizabeth Darcy 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 21, 1813 
 
Dear Jane, 
The Fitzwilliam family finally arrived yesterday, complete with my new Aunt and Uncle and their two sons.
Aunt and Uncle Fitzwilliam are delightful. Aunt Fitzwilliam is so impressed by the way I've tamed her sister-in-law Catherine. Of course, I really don't know how that happened, but I'll gladly take the credit.
I had the pleasure of meeting their second son, Colonel Richard, at Rosings a year and a half ago. In fact, it was he who told me why SMUDGE SMUDGE SMUDGE
His older brother, John, is recently "dis-engaged" from a notorious lady from Sussex. You should see this rascal! And how he treats my husband and the Colonel! They're both ten years junior to him, and so they quite defer to him in absolutely everything. John shamelessly lords it over the two of them, and in my husband's own house!
For example, my husband is very proud of his new billiard table, with its carved legs from India. But John waxed on and on about his own table with its ivory-inlaid legs from Ceylon and the slate bed from China. My poor husband could only scowl while John gave me a sly wink.
Later, my husband offered John some of his infamous cognac, but John had brought his own brandy with him on the trip. He claims that it was purloined from one of Bonaparte's own ships. It even has what looks like Boney's own signature on the crate. Another wink in my direction.
Also newly arrived with John is his friend Lord Melbury. He's quite the distinguished figure, but he could give even my husband a lesson in haughtiness. Of course he corroborated all of John's wild stories.
Oh, Jane. I'm looking forward to a wonderful few weeks before the baby is born. What can possibly go wrong now? (Oh, yes. I forgot about Caroline for a moment.)
Love 
Lizzy (Darcy) 
Letter from Georgiana Darcy 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 21, 1813 
 
Dear new sister Jane, 
Hello, new sister Jane!! Oh, how wonderful it is to have a sister to correspond with! I think this is the very first letter I've ever written to a sister!
It's been so nice here with my other new sister Lizzy and your family. You must miss her a great deal. How wonderful it must have been to grow up with such a sister at your side. (And Lizzy says the same thing about you!)
Oh Jane, I am dreading the arrival of Caroline Bingley. I know she's your sister now, and I should hold my tongue, but I hope we have enough guests to keep her away from me.
Up to the moment that my brother married Lizzy, Miss Bingley always fussed over me, treating me like a baby, trying to make herself look appealing to my brother. I've never trusted her.
But now she has no reason to fawn over me any more. I expect she'll ignore me and insult me just the same way that I've heard her insult other people. Actually, I'm hoping she'll ignore me.
Maybe this Lord Melbury can keep her occupied. He certainly seems to be her type.
Love, 
your new sister Georgiana 
Letter from Elizabeth Darcy 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 23, 1813 
 
Dear Jane, 
Well, Caroline has finally arrived.
I happened to be out front talking to John Fitzwilliam when her carriage pulled up. I introduced them and of course Caroline ignored me completely, smiling and fluttering her eyelashes at John the whole time.
I then had to go speak to Mr. Reynolds about something, and when I came back John had a self-satisfied look on his face while Caroline looked as if she had just swallowed a bad pickle.
So we're off to a great start.
Love, 
Lizzy 
Letter from Caroline Bingley 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 24, 1813 
 
Dear Cynthia, 
Well, dear, I'm finally here at Pemberley. Of course, I'm still only a guest.
Mr. Darcy is now more polite to me than ever before. I guess he feels well-satisfied at having "escaped" my clutches. I'm sure that's the way he and his new wife think of me. They probably laugh at me behind my back every night.
And his sister Georgiana ignores me completely. I've hardly been able to speak more than three words to her. She's a lovely young girl that I've always thought of as a little sister or niece, but now she looks at me as if I'm breathing fire.
I thought that Mrs. Darcy would be catty or dismissive of me, but so far she's been unusually warm. I think she's waiting to pounce on me the moment I get careless. You should have seen the letter she sent to get me to come here in the first place. She scolded me as if I were a petulant child.
And you should see where my room is! I'm not even sure it's actually in Derbyshire! It's in a far corner of the house that I didn't even know existed. It does have a nice view, though, with a lovely little lake and three tall trees in the distance.
It's actually very peaceful and quiet up in this room. In fact, I'll wager that I'll be spared from Mrs. Darcy's screams when her baby is born.
Oh, and you'll never guess. That oaf John Fitzwilliam is here also. You've heard about him, haven't you? The one who was engaged until recently to Marjory Mountbottom? I can easily believe what she told us about him. I say it was a good move on her part to break it off, but my brother insists that it was Fitzwilliam who let Marjory off the hook.
But since he's a first-born son and an eligible heir, I thought I should at least try to make a good impression. All I got for my efforts was "Don't waste your smiles on me, Miss Bingley. I've heard more than enough about you already."
I think he must have heard some ugly rumours from Mr. Darcy and Fitzwilliam's younger brother the Colonel.
My sister Louisa is utterly bewitched by these people. She and I had quite a dust-up at Netherfield when I told her how appalled I was by her letters. We hardly spoke a word on the carriage-ride up here.
Anyway, you really should come up and join us here if you can. Mrs. Darcy has already given me permisison to invite you. Who knows, maybe you'll like this John Fitzwilliam.
I hope to have better luck with his friend Lord Melbury.
Love, 
Caroline 
Letter from Mr. Bennet 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 24, 1813 
 
Dear Brother Gardiner, 
As you know, we are all at Pemberley waiting for Lizzy to have her baby. You are welcome to come, of course. My son-in-law has asked me several times why you're not here fishing with him already.
Speaking of which, my son-in-law and Colonel Fitzwilliam are in dire need of a copy of Izaak Walton's The Compleat Angler for use in a silly wager that they've made with the Colonel's older brother John.
Mr. Darcy made the mistake of telling John that many years ago he was fishing here at Pemberley and had caught a Stickleback Gudgeon. Trying to outboast John Fitzwilliam leads to nothing but trouble.
Well, the way it now stands, if Mr. Darcy and Richard are unable to catch one of these damned fishes within the month, then they will be required to furnish John with two cases of Devries Extra Old Cognac, which is rather expensive and very hard to come by, even for Mr. Darcy.
I don't think I've told you how fine this cognac is. You really must come to Pemberley to sample it before I polish off the last bottle all by myself. My usual drinking companions are usually down by the lake wrestling with fishing tackle, or, in the Colonel's case, hiding in the bushes and watching his cousin Anne walk around the park with John.
Regarding Mr. Walton's book, my son-in-law's personal copy is unaccountably missing from Pemberley's extensive library. And the bookseller in Lambton informs us that both of his copies were purchased just yesterday by a gentleman fitting the description of John Fitzwilliam.
I tried asking Mrs. Reynolds if the housekeeping staff could keep an eye open for the books when they cleaned Fitzwilliam's room, but she just gave me the evil eye. I would have thought that being the father of the mistress would have given me some sway with the staff.
Regards, 
Wm. Bennet 
Letter from Lord Melbury 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 24, 1813 
 
Dear Sir Arnold, 
As you can see, I did succumb after all to Fitzwilliam's entreaties to accompany him all the way to his cousin's estate in the far reaches of Derbyshire, which apparently is just a few miles from the North Pole. The carriage ride here was abominable and the air in this arctic climate doesn't suit me in the least. I feel an attack of the ague coming on already, if I can survive the fever that I'm coming down with.
The rabble herein is not to be believed, from our host's nosey mother-in-law to Queen de Bourgh to the noisy children who rattle away on the pianofortes all day long. None of the females here tickle my fancy, most of them being either too young or too married. There is a Miss Bingley, though, who does share my views on many subjects.
Otherwise, there is absolutely nothing to do here except to drink Fitzwilliam's brandy and play at billiards. There's not even a good library in the house. Only thirty-five thousand volumes.
I was actually invited to go fishing the other day. Yes, fishing. Can you imagine? In an actual boat, on an actual lake. And they're planning a picnic next week. Outside in the freezing cold presumably.
In any case, Sir Arnold, I find that I must call in that favour and beseech you to send me an express requesting my presence back in London as soon as possible. I can't see any other way of extricating myself from this place.
Sincerely, 
Lord Frederick Melbury 
Letter from John Fitzwilliam 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 25, 1813 
 
Dear Bernie, 
How have you been, my friend? Freddy and I are whiling away a few weeks up in Derbyshire while we await the birth of my cousin Darcy's first child. I must say I haven't had such a pleasant time since that fortnight you and I spent in Bath two years ago.
It's been many years since I've had the pleasure of tormenting both Darcy and my brother at the same time. They are such easy prey for my particular brand of nonsense. I'm keeping them occupied down at the lakes for a few weeks while I sample Darcy's fine cognac with Freddy and Darcy's father-in-law.
Darcy's new wife, on the other hand, sees right through me. I avoid her as much as possible since I'm absolutely powerless against her type. I thank the good Lord that I've never met anyone like her on the London circuit. Such a woman would have enslaved me right from the start. Might not have been a bad fate, though.
You will be surprised to learn that I've had the pleasure of meeting your infamous Caroline Bingley right here at Pemberley. She's just the way you described her. I'm sure my former fiancée has already informed her of my many admirable qualities, so I haven't felt the need to do so myself. She and I have gotten off to an excellent start, however, as I was able to welcome her to Pemberley just as she arrived in her carriage.
Anyway, Bernie, the whole point of this letter is my Christmas gift to you.
I recall your regret at not grabbing that quarto edition of Izaak Walton's "Compleat Angler" with the red Spanish leather binding when you had the chance in Bath. I happen to have come across two copies of that very edition in a nearby town where they've been languishing for some time. You have only to inform me of the location to which I should send your copy, your home in London or your manor near Wisbech.
Happy angling, 
John Fitzwilliam 
Letter from Elizabeth Darcy 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 27, 1813 
 
Dear Jane, 
You know, dear sister, sometimes it is so convenient to be with child. You can get everyone's attention merely by putting your hand on your belly and then moaning. All activity comes to an immediate halt while you are fussed over and helped to a sofa.
I don't recall seeing you use this strategem when we were at Netherfield last. You are simply too generous, my dear. Think of the opportunities you missed!
I, on the other hand, think that I deserve a little recompense now and then for my temporary physical infirmity.
I applied this ruse to good effect this evening when John Fitzwilliam was trying to pass a full wineglass across the dinner table to father. He managed to drop some of the wine down the front of Caroline's dress. Her gasp drew everyone's attention and so I started moaning to give her a chance to straighten herself out with a bit of privacy.
John had a twinkle in his eye the entire time. That man needs a good thrashing!
When I was finally on the sofa I looked back at Caroline, and she was giving me a most quizzical look. Perhaps she was angry at me for stealing the attention away from her. The things I do for that woman!
Please write to me soon, dear Jane. Even with all these people crowding me out of the house, I still miss you terribly. My husband spends most of his time with our guests. I only get to talk to him at night. You are so lucky, Jane, for I know that your own husband waits on you hand and foot all day long.
Oh, but I'm not complaining. I love Fitzwilliam dearly, as you do your husband. I wouldn't trade my life for any other.
Love, 
Lizzy 
Letter from Caroline Bingley 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 28, 1813 
 
Dear Cynthia, 
You know, Cynthia, I believe that Lizzy (yes, I'm calling her "Lizzy" now. Everyone gives me a "look" when I call her "Eliza", so I might as well run with the crowd.)
Anyway, I think that Lizzy is faking her labour pains on a regular basis in order to attract attention to herself. I don't understand why she won't allow herself to be confined to bed. Lady Catherine and Mrs. Reynolds are after her all the time about her condition.
I haven't seen Lizzy acting in such a brazen manner since last year when she appeared unexpectedly at Pemberley in order to secure Mr. Darcy's affections.
Actually, one of her little "labour" pains did help me out of a rather humiliating circumstance the other day. I don't see how Lord Melbury can put up with the man. John Fitzwilliam, I mean.
I overheard one of the Bennet girls saying that Lord Melbury was a male version of me. My word, I have no idea how they could get such an impression. His Lordship wouldn't go to the trouble of pulling his watch from his pocket if you asked him for the time of day. I only spend time with him to show that boor that he's not the only man in England. John Fitzwilliam, I mean.
I've never seen Pemberley in such a state. What a madhouse. The noise is almost constant, the guests are unruly (especially that Fitzwilliam), and things keep disappearing from my room. I may have to ask Lizzy to post an armed guard if anything else goes missing.
Love, 
Caroline 
Letter from Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 28, 1813 
 
Dear Harold, 
How are you, my good friend? Wish I had time to exchange a few more pleasantries, but time is of the essence.
I have managed to acquire several large orange feathers that meet the requirements for that fishing lure that brought you such success two years ago, but there are some subtleties in the tying that have escaped me. Please send the full instructions by express.
That blasted brother of mine is once again making life intolerable for me. He's got me helping my cousin Darcy to catch a gudgeon from a nearby lake while he himself spends too much time with my cousin Anne. Yes, the Anne that I was telling you about.
Details later, I promise you.
Regards, 
Col. Richard Fitzwilliam 
Fourth Regiment, etc, etc 
Letter from Elizabeth Darcy 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 29, 1813 
 
Dear Jane, 
Do you know Jane that mother made a joke today? An actual joke. One that we both laughed at!
She and I were sitting in the parlour with our tea when Mrs. Reynolds came in to enquire as to which silverware should be used for our upcoming picnic.
After Mrs. Reynolds left, mother turned to me and said, "And to think, Lizzy, you could've had Mr. Collins." We both laughed for a full minute. Oh, I felt so wicked. But to laugh along with mother is an experience I haven't enjoyed since I was a girl.
I just had to tell you.
Love, 
Lizzy 
Letter from Kitty Bennet 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
November 30, 1813 
 
Dear Jane, 
How is sweet Little Lizzy?
I was thinking. Georgiana is about my age. She wants to be called "Aunt". So I guess it's okay if Little Lizzy calls me "Aunt" too.
Actually, Georgiana wants to be called "Aunt Gee-gee", so I guess Little Lizzy could call me "Aunt SMUDGE No, "Aunt SMUDGE No, "Aunt Cookie" I guess. That way she won't get me confused with Lady Catherine.
Oh, and by the way, do you remember that device that Lydia got in Bath, the one that she never showed to Mother or Father, the thing that emits a rude noise when you sit on it?
It's at the back of our closet, behind the trunk. Could you have it sent up to Pemberley right quick? Georgiana needs it to SMUDGE to SMUDGE to show John Fitzwilliam the kind of silly thing that they sell in Bath. Don't tell anyone. (Please?)
Georgiana says you should put something else in the package as a "decoy", because Mother or Father will be curious if they see me receiving a package.
And send it by express post.
Love, 
Kitty 
Letter from John Fitzwilliam 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
December 5, 1813 
 
Dear Bernie, 
Well, my good friend, I'm afraid I have to change our plans for the new year.
As I've always told you, Bernie, you don't really know a woman until you've seen her lose her temper.
I've been trying to take the measure of this Caroline Bingley for weeks now. I've drenched her bosom with wine, filled her shoes with mud, and loosed a frog in her room. All accidentally of course. And all to no avail.
Well, today I decided to take the lady by the horns and have it out with her, man to man. After dinner, therefore, we all repaired to the parlour and Caroline Bingley went to sit in her usual seat. I pretended to be tipsy and followed her closely and plunked myself down simultaneously with her on the sofa.
At this very instant several unexpected things happened. First, a somewhat uncivilized noise erupted from underneath the two of us. Then, Mrs. Darcy started moaning violently, as she is wont to do lately. Finally, my young cousin Georgiana and her friend Kitty Bennet shrieked and scurried from the room, knocking over Mrs. Reynolds and the tea tray in the process.
In the resulting hullabaloo, Caroline Bingley and I found ourselves staring at one another in disbelief. Neither of us were sure who should be the more embarrassed. (Not me, certainly.)
The long and the short of it is that I'll have to cancel our planned visit to Scotland in January, as I'll be touring the highlands myself with Caroline Bingley, chaperoned by her sister and brother-in-law. My brother and Anne may join us as well, as Anne finally heeded my advice and took Richard by the horns.
I do promise, however, to visit the Isle of Islay to try to persuade your two friends in Lagavulin to finally build that distillery that they've been talking about.
Happy imbibing, 
John Fitzwilliam 
Letter from Kitty Bennet 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
December 5, 1813 
 
Dear Jane, 
Can you make up a spare room for me? I think Father is going to banish me from Pemberley forever. He's very angry.
But Lizzy's husband thinks it's so funny. And it's his house. He says I can stay, but Father is so angry.
And Miss Bingley and John Fitzwilliam thought it was funny too. You should've seen them laughing together on the sofa.
But Father is so angry at me. He's even angrier than that Lord Melbury was when he got that express the other day from Sir Arnold something-or-other.
Your miserable sister Kitty 
Letter from Caroline Bingley 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
December 5, 1813 
 
Dear Cynthia, 
You may remember that I said a few unkind things about John Fitzwilliam recently. Well, it turns out that I spoke a bit too soon.
You see, his previous behaviour was just the result of SMUDGE the recent death of a friend. But now that he's recovered from the shock, he has become quite a valuable companion.
It seems that he wants to show me the highlands of Scotland, so he and I and the Hursts are making a journey there next January.
So I'm sorry, Cynthia, but I won't be able to help out with the Governor's Ball, but I promise to make it up to you in the spring.
Love, 
Caroline 
Letter from Elizabeth Darcy 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
December 8, 1813 
 
Dear Jane, 
I am writing this note in a state of intense fatigue and relief. I am so worn out that I'm dictating this letter to Georgiana. (Hello, Jane!! It's me!!)
You now have a nephew. (So do I!!)
My pains started in for real this morning, but no one bothered to come to my aid. They all thought I was crying wolf. (I knew this was going to happen. Why didn't Lizzy stay in bed?)
Georgiana and Caroline were the only ones who came to help. (I had to yell at Caroline but she came right away.)
They got me as far as the music room and then Mrs. Reynolds brought the water. I had the baby right then and there. (Caroline and I delivered the baby ourselves!! Mrs. Reynolds helped a little bit. Caroline was fabulous!! I love her!!)
I feel reborn now. I'm finally a mother. It's all over and done with and my baby is the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on. Your Little Lizzy is a close second. (They're both so beautiful!!)
Oh, Jane. I'm so tired. I have to go to sleep now. (But I'm going downstairs to drink another toast with Caroline to the two of us!!)
Love, 
Lizzy (and Aunt Gee-gee!!
Letter from Fitzwilliam Darcy 
Pemberley, Derbyshire 
December 14, 1813 
 
Bingley, 
Have a cigar on me, my friend. As you've undoubtedly heard from several quarters by now, I am now the proud father of a strapping baby boy. It took some doing, but our wives have finally borne the fruits of your hard labour and mine.
My wife remarked this morning that she and your wife can now make a pact to have our children marry one another when they're of age. As soon as Lizzy has regained her strength I'm going to strangle her for suggesting such a thing.
Well, Richard and I finally caught that deuced fish this very afternoon. It was all to no avail, though, as Richard's brother had left Pemberley in the morning in the company of your sisters and Lord Melbury.
The fishing lure that Richard concocted was quite a feat of engineering. I'll have to show it to our Uncle Gardiner when he visits. For some reason Richard wouldn't let me show it to our guests here at Pemberley until your sister had left.
And what with the size of Fitzwilliam's travelling party, there was no room in the carriage for his Napoleonic brandy. He therefore left it safely in my custody. I'm sure our father-in-law will be able to assist me in providing it with adequate care.
The delivery of our baby had a profound effect on your sister. She didn't want to leave Lizzy behind, but John Fitzwilliam and the highlands of Scotland beckoned.
The Bennets are staying for another fortnight and then they'll return to Hertfordshire. I'll be sorry to see them go.
I miss you, my friend, and Lizzy misses your wife dreadfully. I must tell you, Bingley, that the old Emerson estate at Flatbury is now vacant and is only thirty miles distant. You really should take a look at it before Teddy Randall snaps it up.
Well, it's been a long day and a long year. As soon as I finish this letter I'm going to the parlour to have a nightcap with our mother-in-law, who's been up since five this morning tending to Lizzy. I'll give her a kiss for you.
Regards, 
F. Darcy 
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