Jan 13, 1813
A lazy Saturday morning at Pemberley in bed with Mr. and Mrs. Darcy

Warning: Naughty. Please be over 18 years of age.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy! Must you bite me in such a delicate spot?
DARCY
But Lizzy, I'm just nibbling. I never imagined that you were so soft and beautiful in so many ways.
LIZZY
Well, if I had known of your interest in such things, dear, then perhaps I would've worn more revealing outfits when I was taking care of Jane at Netherfield last year. Caroline Bingley certainly didn't mind showing herself off to you when I was there.
DARCY
Yes. She saw you as a rival and had to use any means at her disposal to distract my attention away from you.
LIZZY
I dare say she must have succeeded. I don't recall you paying much attention to me at the time.
DARCY
Well, that's because your outfits weren't sufficiently revealing.
LIZZY
Oh, you devil! That deserves a smack.
DARCY
Ouch.
LIZZY
Goodness, darling, you have such a wonderful smile. I wonder how things would've turned out if you had smiled at me back then the way you smile at me now. Perhaps I would've fallen in love with you much sooner.
DARCY
It certainly would have saved us a good deal of trouble, Lizzy.
LIZZY
But in those days you only found me tolerable.
DARCY
What? Where did you ever get such an idea?
LIZZY
At that very first assembly in Meryton. I remember you looking me over from stem to stern before passing me by and dancing with Caroline.
DARCY
Oh, no, I did not!
LIZZY
You most certainly did! You looked at me as if I were a prize filly.
DARCY
Dear me. You should have come over and slapped my face straight away. Perhaps that would have woken me from my arrogant stupor and we might have been married that very autumn.
LIZZY
Yes, or perhaps I should've told the crowd that I had caught you staring at me in a most unseemly manner and that you therefore must marry me. After all, ten thousand a year.
DARCY
Oh, now who's the devil?
LIZZY
What indecent thoughts were crossing your mind as you ogled my haunches?
DARCY
Oh, good gravy, Lizzy! I am a gentleman, and I would never --
LIZZY
Come now, dear, what scandalous thoughts did I inspire in you? Try to shock me.
DARCY
Well, nothing comes to mind ...
LIZZY
Think harder, darling.
DARCY
Well, there was one time while you and I were out walking near Hunsford. But I was ashamed of myself for being so weak.
LIZZY
Oh, my ears are burning.
DARCY
All right then, but you may want to slap me when I'm finished.
LIZZY
My hand is ready, dearest.
DARCY
Well, one day you and I were walking through the glade by that large ash tree. You remember the one? I had noticed, quite inadvertently, that the top of your dress was cut slightly lower than usual.
LIZZY
Inadvertently, you say... Oh, yes, I remember now. I had borrowed a lovely little green dress from Maria Lucas on several occasions.
DARCY
Yes, the green one. Mmmm.
LIZZY
Charlotte had been unusually insistent that I wear it while walking through the forest. I always wondered why... Pray continue.
DARCY
Well, as you and I sat down under the tree, you leaned over and I looked, again inadvertently, toward the top of your dress, and I saw rather more than I had ever dreamt of.
LIZZY
I see. Are you sure you really are a gentleman, my dear?
DARCY
And then all of a sudden, a gust of wind blew a small leaf into your dress at the precise location where my eyes had rested. It nestled right between your... well here, let me show you.
LIZZY
Heavens! Well, my dearest, a more gallant gentleman might have come to my aid and reached in to remove the offending leaf.
DARCY
It did occur to me, Lizzy.
LIZZY
Oh, saucy! So, after getting such an undeserved look at my, um, charms, is that when you fell in love with me?
DARCY
No, of course not. You know very well that I couldn't get you out of my mind after that very first night in Meryton.
LIZZY
Yes, the night you insulted me. How romantic of you.
DARCY
Oh, Lizzy, you had captivated me already, and I could hardly breathe much less speak to you without making a babbling fool of myself.
LIZZY
But surely you didn't fall in love with me then. You wouldn't even dance with me.
DARCY
No, but when you walked to Netherfield a few days later and your beautiful long hair was fallen all about your shoulders, I was completely lost.
LIZZY
I remember Caroline sending her maid up to tidy my hair for me.
DARCY
Yes, I tried valiantly to stop her. I almost went upstairs to tidy your hair myself.
LIZZY
Oh, my. I would've given you such a smack, like this.
DARCY
Ouch!
Return to the first dialogue: A fortuitous trip to Meryton
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