Nov 13, 1812
Logistics

Warning: Naughty. Please be over 18 years of age.

LIZZY
But Mr. Darcy, there's still one thing that Charlotte and I could never determine on our own.
DARCY
What's that, Lizzy?
LIZZY
Well, it's rather a delicate matter. I'm a little hesitant to speak of it.
DARCY
Is it related to marriage?
LIZZY
Oh, it certainly is.
DARCY
Oh.
LIZZY
But we'll be married soon.
DARCY
Yes.
LIZZY
I imagine that Charlotte knows the answer by now, but she hasn't spoken to me of it.
DARCY
I suppose Collins has clarified things for her by now.
LIZZY
I presume so. I did make a small reference to the issue when I visited her in April, but she just smiled and changed the subject.
DARCY
Is this something that we can safely discuss before we're married, Lizzy?
LIZZY
I don't really know, but I want to be prepared, my dear.
DARCY
Well, let's see if I can elucidate for you.
LIZZY
Well, Mr. Darcy, many years ago I changed my nephews' diapers, for my Aunt Gardiner. She has several sons, as you know. So I've seen the, um, male anatomy.
DARCY
Oh dear. The anatomy. Yes.
LIZZY
Yes, I became somewhat familiar with it.
DARCY
Let me pour myself a glass of port first.
LIZZY
What's puzzling me is really a matter of logistics.
DARCY
The logistics of marriage?
LIZZY
The logistics of the male anatomy.
DARCY
Oh. ...Here, Lizzy, have a glass of port.
LIZZY
You're not paying attention, dear.
DARCY
Perhaps things will be more self-evident after our wedding night.
LIZZY
No, dear, I want to know now.
DARCY
Lizzy, are you purposely trying to embarrass me?
LIZZY
No, no. I just want to be the best wife I can possibly be.
DARCY
Let me pour myself another glass first.
LIZZY
Now when I changed those diapers, Mr. Darcy, I noticed that my nephews', um, ...I mean to say their anatomies, were, um, ...in a state not exactly conducive to...
DARCY
Um, yes, I quite understand.
LIZZY
Charlotte and I could never quite determine how a husband could, um, ...fulfill his obligation... while his anatomy was in such a state.
DARCY
Well --
LIZZY
Perhaps you could elaborate for me.
DARCY
You see, Lizzy, it's really quite simple.
LIZZY
It is?
DARCY
Yes. You see, when a husband is close to his wife, on their wedding night, with his arms around her, holding her tightly, kissing her ardently, ...
LIZZY
Oh, do go on, dear.
DARCY
Well, he tends to get rather, um...
LIZZY
Yes?
DARCY
Well, the mechanics of the situation do improve somewhat.
LIZZY
In what way?
DARCY
Well, his breathing quickens, his heart pounds, his blood begins to flow more rapidly, ...
LIZZY
How does that help?
DARCY
Lizzy, do I need to put you over my knee and spank you?
LIZZY
No, no. Please continue, my dear.
DARCY
Well, his... his logistics tend to become more suited to the task at hand.
LIZZY
The task at hand?
DARCY
Yes, the task of...
LIZZY
Of?
DARCY
...the task of delivery.
LIZZY
I'm not sure I understand.
DARCY
Lizzy, are you teasing me? Do you really want me to explain in excrutiating detail?
LIZZY
I want to be ready for our wedding night, dearest.
DARCY
What do you still fail to understand?
LIZZY
Does the man's anatomy become changed in some way?
DARCY
Oh, it certainly does, my dear.
LIZZY
Will this be apparent to me on our wedding night?
DARCY
I believe so.
LIZZY
Even in the dark?
DARCY
Oh yes.
LIZZY
How do you know all of this, by the way? You've never been married before.
DARCY
My word, Lizzy. You really must give me some credit for --
LIZZY
What if I don't have the proper effect on you?
DARCY
You've always had the proper effect on me, Lizzy.
LIZZY
Are you still going to spank me?
The next dialogue: Elizabeth leads her betrothed on a long hike deep into the forest
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